There are days when he's fine. When he's like "yeah I like guys I think, so what", and then he spends the entire day doing his tasks (doctoring, gardening, whatever it is) and reading his Straight Romance Books™ and wondering yet again why he feels so empty reading these. There are days when he's not fine, when he spends hours praying and hoping God will hear him, he's Not Gay Actually because that's a sin and he can't do that, and whenever he has a thought about Wolfwood he winds up in tears. There are nights where his dreams are ostensibly normal, and nights when they're downright debauched, at least as debauched as Ain's brain can get because he doesn't know all the things that go into having any amount of gay sex. When he wakes up horny and wanting half the nights they're apart, Ain doesn't do much other than palm himself through his pants until he gets off, or sometimes humps a pillow like an animal.
Sunday, they have service. Ain feels too filthy to be seen in the house of the Lord right now, so he offers to do confessional service, especially because it seems like his youngest brother doesn't want to do it and would rather spend time cleaning out the storage this week. That's fine, they all switch roles from time to time, save for the fact that the community garden is Ain's and Ain's entirely, something no one wants to step on because he does a damn good job at keeping people fed. Screwing up the meticulous watering and fertilizing schedules of the plants is going to wreck them. Ain has this.
So. Confessional... turns out to be a bad idea. A man comes in and sits on the other side and confesses to Ain that he thinks he's in love with a man, and Ain wants to bang his head into the wall until he passes out. He asks a simple question: Do you think you may me misconstruing this love for the love of a friend or a brother? And the guy answers: I don't think I would want a friend or brother to touch me like he does, Priest.
That really cements everything in place for Ain, that little interaction. In the end, he tells the man what Ishmael would tell any other man: Do not give into temptation. Pray it away. Let the Lord's Light be your succour on those dark nights. The Lord says you will not end up in Hell if you continue to follow His teachings.
It feels colourless and empty, like everything in Ain's life when Wolfwood isn't around. Those colourful ink stains that Wolfwood left on him still can't be scrubbed from his skin no matter how hard he tries. He's furious about it. He wants to cry again, and he does, after the guy leaves to go try to cure himself of the gay. Ain isn't sure whether he breaks down because he's actually sad and worried about himself, or if it's because he's lonely and wants Wolfwood to hug him again.
By the time Tuesday rolls around, Ain is resolute in a few things. The first thing is that he probably, definitely, is not a heterosexual man. The second is that maybe there's a "fix" for him somewhere, if he just gets it out of his system. The third is that he's going to tell Wolfwood before they go that he likes guys, and he expects Wolfwood to call him every slur in the book and storm off, and that'll be that. That'll fix him. Can't give into temptation if the guy cuts their friendship off there, calls him names, and probably beats him within an inch of his life.
He dresses like they're going to dinner still even though he's sure Wolfwood's about to connect the dots of Ain's wandering hands to his degeneracy and probably shoot him in the face about it, that way Wolfwood doesn't think he's just given up entirely beforehand. And hey, maybe Ain will die and leave a pretty corpse. One has to wonder why Ain wants somebody to hurt him so badly over this, but that's a traumatic talk for another day.
So. He shows up. He meets Wolfwood where they agreed to meet, at the park where they always meet up, and he waves and smiles in a way that's completely empty. If he's not going to die tonight, he's at least going to lose a friend, so... y'know. Doing well.]
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2024-02-11 12:25 am (UTC)Ain is Not Okay.
There are days when he's fine. When he's like "yeah I like guys I think, so what", and then he spends the entire day doing his tasks (doctoring, gardening, whatever it is) and reading his Straight Romance Books™ and wondering yet again why he feels so empty reading these. There are days when he's not fine, when he spends hours praying and hoping God will hear him, he's Not Gay Actually because that's a sin and he can't do that, and whenever he has a thought about Wolfwood he winds up in tears. There are nights where his dreams are ostensibly normal, and nights when they're downright debauched, at least as debauched as Ain's brain can get because he doesn't know all the things that go into having any amount of gay sex. When he wakes up horny and wanting half the nights they're apart, Ain doesn't do much other than palm himself through his pants until he gets off, or sometimes humps a pillow like an animal.
Sunday, they have service. Ain feels too filthy to be seen in the house of the Lord right now, so he offers to do confessional service, especially because it seems like his youngest brother doesn't want to do it and would rather spend time cleaning out the storage this week. That's fine, they all switch roles from time to time, save for the fact that the community garden is Ain's and Ain's entirely, something no one wants to step on because he does a damn good job at keeping people fed. Screwing up the meticulous watering and fertilizing schedules of the plants is going to wreck them. Ain has this.
So. Confessional... turns out to be a bad idea. A man comes in and sits on the other side and confesses to Ain that he thinks he's in love with a man, and Ain wants to bang his head into the wall until he passes out. He asks a simple question: Do you think you may me misconstruing this love for the love of a friend or a brother? And the guy answers: I don't think I would want a friend or brother to touch me like he does, Priest.
That really cements everything in place for Ain, that little interaction. In the end, he tells the man what Ishmael would tell any other man: Do not give into temptation. Pray it away. Let the Lord's Light be your succour on those dark nights. The Lord says you will not end up in Hell if you continue to follow His teachings.
It feels colourless and empty, like everything in Ain's life when Wolfwood isn't around. Those colourful ink stains that Wolfwood left on him still can't be scrubbed from his skin no matter how hard he tries. He's furious about it. He wants to cry again, and he does, after the guy leaves to go try to cure himself of the gay. Ain isn't sure whether he breaks down because he's actually sad and worried about himself, or if it's because he's lonely and wants Wolfwood to hug him again.
By the time Tuesday rolls around, Ain is resolute in a few things. The first thing is that he probably, definitely, is not a heterosexual man. The second is that maybe there's a "fix" for him somewhere, if he just gets it out of his system. The third is that he's going to tell Wolfwood before they go that he likes guys, and he expects Wolfwood to call him every slur in the book and storm off, and that'll be that. That'll fix him. Can't give into temptation if the guy cuts their friendship off there, calls him names, and probably beats him within an inch of his life.
He dresses like they're going to dinner still even though he's sure Wolfwood's about to connect the dots of Ain's wandering hands to his degeneracy and probably shoot him in the face about it, that way Wolfwood doesn't think he's just given up entirely beforehand. And hey, maybe Ain will die and leave a pretty corpse. One has to wonder why Ain wants somebody to hurt him so badly over this, but that's a traumatic talk for another day.
So. He shows up. He meets Wolfwood where they agreed to meet, at the park where they always meet up, and he waves and smiles in a way that's completely empty. If he's not going to die tonight, he's at least going to lose a friend, so... y'know. Doing well.]