dachsbuns | [Closed] @eidxiety🐎🌹

Just "alright", huh...

[Since he's done with his to-go breakfast... lunch... he supposes it's brunch, whatever, he's putting the box on the opposite nightstand.]

...you're "alright" too. I would have thought that the last three days would've been more arduous, since I usually journey alone, but they've been nice. I never thought...

[That he'd like someone as much as he likes Wolfwood? Ugh, shut up, brain, you don't actually know him, you're never going to know him, he doesn't want you. He's literally saying that right now in different words.]

...I'm going to go check on the horses. Brush 'em and stuff. I'll be back.

[He has to go run from his feelings.]

Edited 2024-05-28 23:38 (UTC)

[Just alright. At least, that's all he can make himself say. It's not how he really feels, if he looks at himself and asks the question honestly. He's back to being dishonest, which Ain has already told him time and again that he doesn't like.

But he doesn't try to cover for himself, or say anything else as Ain suddenly darts from the room to go check on the horses in a thinly veiled attempt to be alone for a while. Wolfwood, meanwhile, groans and drops his head back against the pillows again, staring blearily up at the ceiling.]

...what am I gonna do.

[Maybe he could just...run away? It's not like the gang would ever know where he went. They could hunt him down, maybe, but would they be able to easily find him if he wanted to disappear?

Meanwhile, out in the Inn stables, the horses are happy to finally see a familiar face. Angelina, despite not being Ain's horse, comes right up to the gate and tries to nibble on Ain's hair. Hi :)]

[Wolfwood is gonna be alone for a bit, so hopefully he doesn't die or something. Ain is purposely taking his sweet ass time with the horses. They don't need to be brushed that badly, but here he is giving both of them the full spa experience. He doesn't know what else to do; if he doesn't keep himself busy, he will get trapped further in his own thoughts, and then he won't be able to do anything at all. Ain is a very sad little man right now.

If he cries while he's trying to tend to the horses, no he doesn't, shut up. He's fine. He's coping like a normal adult.

Anyway, taking care of two horses (trimming their hooves, new shoes, brushie brushie) takes two hours. There's still time left in the day because that means it's only like, 1pm, and Ain doesn't want to see Wolfwood so early. He thinks he'll just blow up instead. So—

He scopes out the rest of town. What's within an hour's walking distance, anyway. This place is so large that at a certain point, the streets open up to accommodate full wagons and aren't just thoroughfares for a single horse or two. It's a nice place. Ain could see himself getting into a lot of trouble here.

Which... Yeah, he does, but the sheriff doesn't know. By the time he comes back to the inn, it's dinnertime, he has dinner in his hands, and he's basically learnt where all the cool stuff is. Also he stole a lot. He has six bangle bracelets on his left wrist and three on the right, and a set of earrings, and three more coinpurses...

He steals thrice as much as usual when he's distressed.

Here have your stupid fucking steak and potatoes asshole. At least he didn't steal those.]

[I signed up for this drama and am gobbling it up but boy I also wanna punch Wolfwood in the face for making my baby cry I swear to god-

Wolfwood goes back to sleep pretty much the instant Ain leaves. He feels like death warmed over, so he needs a Fucking Nap. It's a nap that is uninterrupted even though it's not super deserved given how he's behaving, no dreams, no thoughts. He just simply dies for a couple hours.

When he wakes up feeling a little better- less like the room is spinning, at least- and realizes Ain is still gone...he briefly feels a twinge of worry in the back of his mind. Is it possible Ain skipped town? Surely not. He looks over the room to see that his things are still there, he didn't swipe everything that wasn't nailed down and left. Why he's been gone this long, though, Wolfwood can only guess.

It gives him a lot of time to think. A lot of time to second guess himself, as well as drag himself out of bed just long enough to shower and climb back into it. By the time Ain does return, he'll find Wolfwood looking a bit less pale than he did this morning, but more than that...

He looks. Concerned? It's hard to see if you haven't been around him like Ain has, but there's definitely a worried sort of pinch to his brow.]

Did you give the horses a perm?

Trimmed hooves, brushed and cleaned, and then I went out to check out the rest of the town since I won't be able to otherwise due to babysitting.

[Oops he's mad now it seems. Mostly it's at himself and the circumstances and how pathetic this whole thing is.]

I got you food. Don't thank me or anything.

[And he got himself jewelry he hardly even wants and moneyyyyy which he does want. That's going into his bag, thanks. The jewelry can at least be pawned off or traded, so there's that, but Ain's having that moment of clarity like "why did I steal this".]

[...

Wolfwood can tell. It's made the atmosphere between them highly awkward, and even more tense than it was this morning. Mmm.

He shouldn't really care. He could just tell Ain to fuck off, but the words won't come. Don't want to come.

Instead, Wolfwood leans over the edge of the bed just a little, picking up something off the bedside table. He'll toss it onto the bed next to Ain.]

...I went downstairs to get some more soap. To take a shower earlier. They had a bunch of this...fancy lavender soap that wasn't in our room.

[Because, you know, poor. They didn't pay for the Good(er) shit.]

I figured you might like it, so. I stole a bunch for you.

[...oh.

Oh...

Ain takes the bundle and opens it and takes a sniff. He looks touched, which is a bad sign when he's literally telling himself to stop wanting Wolfwood in any capacity. The bundle of soaps gets closed up and wordlessly put into his bag with his clothes.

He sits down on the edge of the bed with his own portion of dinner after that.]

...why?

You've been babysittin'.

[He says, wryly. Then he glances down into his lap, unable to quite meet Ain's gaze.]

...I dunno. Just felt like it.

[Like, he can tell he's pissed Ain off, but he for once isn't putting that to voice between them. He can be tactful sometimes. Sometimes.]

...

[Puts the tines of his fork between his teeth so he can bite them before he sticks his foot in his fucking mouth.]

Thanks. I like them. I didn't know this place had any, since I was so tired when we came in.

[Hoo. He takes a deep breath, thinking to himself that a change of topic is in order.]

...the horses are doing well. They were excited to see me. Angelina held still while I trimmed her hooves and gave her new shoes. I was sort of surprised, since she's usually pretty wiggly.

[Probably for the best. Wolfwood is just glad that it seems like the peace offering has helped mitigate some of the tension between them, if only just a little bit. Ain is still...not fully there, he can tell.]

Yeah? I mean, I ain't surprised. I think she likes you more than me, and I pretty much hand reared her ungrateful ass.

[He bottle fed that horse, and she immediately liked Ain more. Meanwhile, when she was a filly she kicked him more times than he can count, if that gives you any indication.]

Nice of ya to do all that.

Well, someone has to. I won't pay a stablehand to do it when I know how to do it myself, and who knows how Angelina will react to a stranger doing that anyway. I dunno, they deserved some brushing after hauling that whole wagon for two days.

[...he's not all there, no, but that doesn't stop him from wanting to lean on Wolfwood while they eat. Stupid... he doesn't want you, just give up!!]

Besides, then they'll be ready for tomorrow. [Munch.] And... speaking of...

Did you want me to give you space tonight? I can get another room.

[But if the answer is yes, there's no saying if Ain really will stay or if he'll just head off in the middle of the night.]

[Angelina would have kicked anybody else who tried, full stop. At least a higher likelihood of someone who isn't a professional and used to horses trying to kick them, anyway.

Tomorrow's the second leg of the journey. Tomorrow's when they part. So why would that have anything to do with them having separate rooms? Wolfwood isn't drunk, but he wasn't drunk on the wagon trip either. He wasn't drunk when Ain fucked him until he cried about it.

...]

No. You can-

[He pauses, chewing on the inside of his mouth.]

I want'ya to stay here.

[...oh noooo why would you SAY THAT ugh ugh ugh.

Ain's cheeks start to burn again, this time all the way to the tips of his ears, and he looks both sad and relieved at the same time, somefuckinghow.]

Oh. ...I want to, too, but I didn't know if you wanted me to, since I'm just "alright".

[mrhgghghg he has feelings!! He has so many feelings this is so stupid he wants less feelings.]

[...okay, now some of it is starting to trickle through his dumb skull. Kindof dramatic for someone to get this upset over being called "alright", when Wolfwood was really just deflecting to avoid saying something more damning like "yeah I like you".

It flusters him. He's flustered, and for a moment he stumbles as he tries to think of what to even say.]

S'that why you're mad at me? Cause I didn't mean to upset you. I just. ...shit, I dunno.

[He shucks a hand roughly through his hair, hissing in a breath.]

I ain't good at words.

...

[Sigh. He wanted to have this conversation Never because he's pretty sure Wolfwood is not going to take it well, but fine! Fine.]

I'm not mad about that... necessarily. What I'm mad about is the fact that you're only ever nice and affectionate with me when you're drunk. You don't do it when you're sober like this. And I know we're not... we're just sleeping together, but it's pretty rough to only be wanted when you can't tell your ass from your elbow.

[So there you go. There's... half of it.]

[...oh. So that's it, then.

There's...a lot he doesn't remember from last night, but what he does remember is that he was a lot more touchy and open to affection than he would have been sober. The only caveat to that was their wagon trip, which...well, the rest of the trip to the first town was awkward, so it kindof makes sense Ain would be feeling this way. Wolfwood is less seducing Ain into a trap anymore and more just leading him on, which is kindof shitty?

Ugh. He looks pensive, his hands tensing into fists before relaxing in his lap a couple of times.]

M'sorry.

[That's a start. An apology is something rarely ever heard from the guy while sober, so...]

I didn't mean to make it seem like I don't wanna be around you. Like...if that were true, I wouldn't be here right now. You've been...real tolerant of my bullshit. More than most would be.

[He fidgets with the edge of the bedsheets.]

I'm not really a nice person, Ain. I'm not "nice" to people usually. But I'm...tryin'. To do better.

[And yet the wagon trip was still not as physically touchy as Ain would've liked since he continues to do 90% of the work here, but that's fine, it's fine. They had fun. Ain is just being weird about this because he's pining, and he knows he's pining, and he's trying to pretend he's not pining.

He's fucking pining.]

You keep saying that. But I'm not a nice person either. I steal wallets and pilfer jewellery for a living, for God's sake. I think you're fine, I just...

[And then he presses his face into Wolfwood's shoulder and makes a "mrrrghghrhghrhg" type noise. Or a groan, if you want to get technical.]

...I know you're trying. But I miss the affection when you're not giving it to me, badly at that. And I think you're not listening to what I'm telling you, [ain you don't even fully say it right,] when I tell you things like you're not paying, and that I like you, and that I want you to be more affectionate when you don't have four glasses of whiskey in your system.

[But he IS a bad person, his brain argues. Not that Ain could know that Wolfwood is a robber who has stolen from wagons, held up and held people hostage, burnt buildings to the ground…he’s not just some petty thief. He’s certain if he had a bounty, it would be as large as Ain’s if not worse.

But…there is something in all of that, everything Ain admits right then, that gives Wolfwood an out. And it’s not an easy pill to swallow, nor is it something he wanted to ever talk about because suddenly it’s not about the secrets or lies, that he can handle.

It’s about him. It’s about…]

Ain. I’m not. Yaknow I’m not-

[Gay.

He’s not gay.

He’s not…

He stops there. The words don’t come because if he were to say them he’d be lying, and for once it’s a lie that feels like ash in his mouth. His eyes dart like he’s trying to pull an excuse out of thin air but he can’t. Instead, he just looks like he might burst into tears any second, holding himself behind a stone faced wall through sheer determination alone despite the way his eyes glass over.]

I know you're not! I know you're just experimenting or whatever, I know you don't actually like me for me. You like the idea of me, you like the warm body in your bed at night, you like getting blackout drunk so you can forget that you slept with a man. You don't want me and I get that, I don't mind that! But I need you to make up your mind, because if sober you wants nothing to do with me, and drunk you wants everything to do with me, I don't know what to think! It's hard to tell when the one time I had you while you were sober, you were shuddering just at the thought of being in the wagon with me!

I get it. I get it. But don't you dare do this to someone else when you're gone.

It ain’t you, Ain.

[Wolfwood finally, somehow, manages to choke out. It’s strangled in his throat, his teeth gritting with every breath he takes because this is the one thing he hasn’t made peace with yet and, well. He’s maybe fucking about to.]

I know- I know it’s shitty and I’m sorry, but I don’t- I don’t know what I’m fucking doing-

[He brings both hands up, pressing the heels of his palms hard into his eyes, as if to force the tears back in before they can fall.]

I only do that shit because I’m a fuckin’ coward, okay!? I can’t…I can’t deal with what the world will do to me.

[If it turns out he is, in fact, gay. You’d think he’d have thicker skin by now.]

It…it ain’t because I want to forget. It ain’t because I don’t like you. I…wanna remember. I wanna remember it.

But it scares me.

[He pulls his hands away from his face, finally looking at Ain with his eyes bloodshot, half from his bender and half from his head trying to explode in real time.]

M’sorry. I’m hurtin’ you and I don’t want that. But I- I see you wearin women’s clothing and I end up wishin’ you were in somethin’ else because thinkin’ about women turns me off- [He’s rambling now, everything kind of spilling out of him all at once.] -or playin’ at bein’ husband and wife when I- I. I’d rather…

[Well. If they were husbands, they’d get shot. But Ain knows all about that.]

[...oh. Ohhhh he's really opened up a whole floodgate now, hasn't he? Ah...

Ain has no earthly idea how to help, so he simply sets his food aside and clings onto Wolfwood's front in a weak embrace.]

I want to be able to wear whatever I want, too, you know. I don't want to be someone I'm not to get by, but that's the world we live in. Being scared to get found out is how it is. And I know... That's really terrifying. It freaks me out all the time. Why do you think I carry a gun? Why do you think my horse is trained to kill people?

[If Wolfwood will allow it, Ain threads their fingers together and holds his hand. It's a very gentle, polite sort of hold.]

Nothin' needs to be that scary. It's not the world's business what you do. You know I dress like I do to protect you too, right? You're not here alone. There are lots of you and me's out there.

You're gonna be fine. And if the world or God won't love you, then I will.

[If the world or God won’t love you, I will.

Never- ever- before in his life has anyone shown him a scrap of compassion compared to this. Not even his own men, who would often rather preserve their own skin than risk it to save another. He’s lived his whole life operating on the idea that it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and only the fittest will survive. The alpha males. The men who are the ideal, they’ll be the successful ones. With money, and women, and security…

But Wolfwood isn’t happy with any of that. All of the money he’s ever had he’s stolen and he’s still poor from it since half of what he earns goes straight into his boss’s pockets, he can’t get it up for women anymore now that he’s discovered he likes men, and you simply won’t have security in this world. It’s the wild west, for god’s sake.

Ain grips him, thin hands holding him around his torso, and for a moment Wolfwood falters like he doesn’t know what to do. It’s overwhelming, especially when he’s already been fighting back tears the whole time. Maybe that’s a symptom of the hangover, he doesn’t know.

…but eventually, he relents. He reaches out and actually returns Ain’s embrace, for perhaps the first proper time ever while sober. It’s a light hug at first, tentative, before a surge of something (courage, or mania, no idea) hits him and prompts him to squeeze Ain tighter, enveloping him in a proper bear hug for a moment. He sniffs loudly over Ain’s shoulder, staring at the wall behind him with tears finally falling, rolling down his cheeks and disappearing into his shirt.

After all of that, after Ain’s heartfelt words and expression of affection, the only thing Wolfwood can say very weakly under his breath:]

M’gay.

[Ain cards his fingers gently through Wolfwood's hair, trying so hard to soothe him despite the fact he just yelled at the man... maybe the yelling was the come-to-God moment he needed, maybe it was catharsis for Ain, who knows. Legally what he just said was not a love confession but it may as well have been, and Ain wants to bite his tongue so hard it falls off so that he never has to say something like that again.

Still. Wolfwood deserves an embrace like this, Ain thinks, no matter if he's having an inward moment of "ew gross love that shit's scary".]

I know, dear. That's okay. It's okay to be. No one can tell you how to live except you. Don't let society harp on you constantly... we'll be fine.

[Not Wolfwood finally admitting to being a gay man out loud with his mouth and Ain being like “I know sweetie”, like Wolfwood you’re the ONLY one of them here who could not read the room properly.

God. He used to think he was stronger than this. An entire lifetime spent alone, on the road, struggling to survive…but he guesses part of surviving was always reminding himself “at least I’m not like them”. Like them. The poor. The destitute. The women. The gays.

Now he is. And he knows that he always has been this, he just never realized it until now. It kindof throws those one-night-stands with other women into perspective. Not that you’d be having love filled, passionate trysts with prostitutes usually…but they were just that. Passionless.

Ain…has given him that. He’s felt real passion for the first time. Real pleasure. Real…affection, and love.

The last part is still a work in progress, but it’s there.]

…you…you knew.

[He manages after a long moment, adjusting his grip on Ain so he’s holding him a bit closer, his head resting on his shoulder.]

...yes, baby, I knew. Kind of... maybe not with one hundred percent confidence, but I had an inkling.

[Holds his Wolfwood... no longer his straight man, he supposes. Just his Wolfwood now.]

But I'm also experienced, and I already went through this whole thing you're going through when I was a teenager. I know the signs.

[He clonks their heads together while Wolfwood is using his shoulder as a pillow. Poor dear.]

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