dachsbuns | [Closed] @eidxiety🐎🌹

Well, someone has to. I won't pay a stablehand to do it when I know how to do it myself, and who knows how Angelina will react to a stranger doing that anyway. I dunno, they deserved some brushing after hauling that whole wagon for two days.

[...he's not all there, no, but that doesn't stop him from wanting to lean on Wolfwood while they eat. Stupid... he doesn't want you, just give up!!]

Besides, then they'll be ready for tomorrow. [Munch.] And... speaking of...

Did you want me to give you space tonight? I can get another room.

[But if the answer is yes, there's no saying if Ain really will stay or if he'll just head off in the middle of the night.]

[Angelina would have kicked anybody else who tried, full stop. At least a higher likelihood of someone who isn't a professional and used to horses trying to kick them, anyway.

Tomorrow's the second leg of the journey. Tomorrow's when they part. So why would that have anything to do with them having separate rooms? Wolfwood isn't drunk, but he wasn't drunk on the wagon trip either. He wasn't drunk when Ain fucked him until he cried about it.

...]

No. You can-

[He pauses, chewing on the inside of his mouth.]

I want'ya to stay here.

[...oh noooo why would you SAY THAT ugh ugh ugh.

Ain's cheeks start to burn again, this time all the way to the tips of his ears, and he looks both sad and relieved at the same time, somefuckinghow.]

Oh. ...I want to, too, but I didn't know if you wanted me to, since I'm just "alright".

[mrhgghghg he has feelings!! He has so many feelings this is so stupid he wants less feelings.]

[...okay, now some of it is starting to trickle through his dumb skull. Kindof dramatic for someone to get this upset over being called "alright", when Wolfwood was really just deflecting to avoid saying something more damning like "yeah I like you".

It flusters him. He's flustered, and for a moment he stumbles as he tries to think of what to even say.]

S'that why you're mad at me? Cause I didn't mean to upset you. I just. ...shit, I dunno.

[He shucks a hand roughly through his hair, hissing in a breath.]

I ain't good at words.

...

[Sigh. He wanted to have this conversation Never because he's pretty sure Wolfwood is not going to take it well, but fine! Fine.]

I'm not mad about that... necessarily. What I'm mad about is the fact that you're only ever nice and affectionate with me when you're drunk. You don't do it when you're sober like this. And I know we're not... we're just sleeping together, but it's pretty rough to only be wanted when you can't tell your ass from your elbow.

[So there you go. There's... half of it.]

[...oh. So that's it, then.

There's...a lot he doesn't remember from last night, but what he does remember is that he was a lot more touchy and open to affection than he would have been sober. The only caveat to that was their wagon trip, which...well, the rest of the trip to the first town was awkward, so it kindof makes sense Ain would be feeling this way. Wolfwood is less seducing Ain into a trap anymore and more just leading him on, which is kindof shitty?

Ugh. He looks pensive, his hands tensing into fists before relaxing in his lap a couple of times.]

M'sorry.

[That's a start. An apology is something rarely ever heard from the guy while sober, so...]

I didn't mean to make it seem like I don't wanna be around you. Like...if that were true, I wouldn't be here right now. You've been...real tolerant of my bullshit. More than most would be.

[He fidgets with the edge of the bedsheets.]

I'm not really a nice person, Ain. I'm not "nice" to people usually. But I'm...tryin'. To do better.

[And yet the wagon trip was still not as physically touchy as Ain would've liked since he continues to do 90% of the work here, but that's fine, it's fine. They had fun. Ain is just being weird about this because he's pining, and he knows he's pining, and he's trying to pretend he's not pining.

He's fucking pining.]

You keep saying that. But I'm not a nice person either. I steal wallets and pilfer jewellery for a living, for God's sake. I think you're fine, I just...

[And then he presses his face into Wolfwood's shoulder and makes a "mrrrghghrhghrhg" type noise. Or a groan, if you want to get technical.]

...I know you're trying. But I miss the affection when you're not giving it to me, badly at that. And I think you're not listening to what I'm telling you, [ain you don't even fully say it right,] when I tell you things like you're not paying, and that I like you, and that I want you to be more affectionate when you don't have four glasses of whiskey in your system.

[But he IS a bad person, his brain argues. Not that Ain could know that Wolfwood is a robber who has stolen from wagons, held up and held people hostage, burnt buildings to the ground…he’s not just some petty thief. He’s certain if he had a bounty, it would be as large as Ain’s if not worse.

But…there is something in all of that, everything Ain admits right then, that gives Wolfwood an out. And it’s not an easy pill to swallow, nor is it something he wanted to ever talk about because suddenly it’s not about the secrets or lies, that he can handle.

It’s about him. It’s about…]

Ain. I’m not. Yaknow I’m not-

[Gay.

He’s not gay.

He’s not…

He stops there. The words don’t come because if he were to say them he’d be lying, and for once it’s a lie that feels like ash in his mouth. His eyes dart like he’s trying to pull an excuse out of thin air but he can’t. Instead, he just looks like he might burst into tears any second, holding himself behind a stone faced wall through sheer determination alone despite the way his eyes glass over.]

I know you're not! I know you're just experimenting or whatever, I know you don't actually like me for me. You like the idea of me, you like the warm body in your bed at night, you like getting blackout drunk so you can forget that you slept with a man. You don't want me and I get that, I don't mind that! But I need you to make up your mind, because if sober you wants nothing to do with me, and drunk you wants everything to do with me, I don't know what to think! It's hard to tell when the one time I had you while you were sober, you were shuddering just at the thought of being in the wagon with me!

I get it. I get it. But don't you dare do this to someone else when you're gone.

It ain’t you, Ain.

[Wolfwood finally, somehow, manages to choke out. It’s strangled in his throat, his teeth gritting with every breath he takes because this is the one thing he hasn’t made peace with yet and, well. He’s maybe fucking about to.]

I know- I know it’s shitty and I’m sorry, but I don’t- I don’t know what I’m fucking doing-

[He brings both hands up, pressing the heels of his palms hard into his eyes, as if to force the tears back in before they can fall.]

I only do that shit because I’m a fuckin’ coward, okay!? I can’t…I can’t deal with what the world will do to me.

[If it turns out he is, in fact, gay. You’d think he’d have thicker skin by now.]

It…it ain’t because I want to forget. It ain’t because I don’t like you. I…wanna remember. I wanna remember it.

But it scares me.

[He pulls his hands away from his face, finally looking at Ain with his eyes bloodshot, half from his bender and half from his head trying to explode in real time.]

M’sorry. I’m hurtin’ you and I don’t want that. But I- I see you wearin women’s clothing and I end up wishin’ you were in somethin’ else because thinkin’ about women turns me off- [He’s rambling now, everything kind of spilling out of him all at once.] -or playin’ at bein’ husband and wife when I- I. I’d rather…

[Well. If they were husbands, they’d get shot. But Ain knows all about that.]

[...oh. Ohhhh he's really opened up a whole floodgate now, hasn't he? Ah...

Ain has no earthly idea how to help, so he simply sets his food aside and clings onto Wolfwood's front in a weak embrace.]

I want to be able to wear whatever I want, too, you know. I don't want to be someone I'm not to get by, but that's the world we live in. Being scared to get found out is how it is. And I know... That's really terrifying. It freaks me out all the time. Why do you think I carry a gun? Why do you think my horse is trained to kill people?

[If Wolfwood will allow it, Ain threads their fingers together and holds his hand. It's a very gentle, polite sort of hold.]

Nothin' needs to be that scary. It's not the world's business what you do. You know I dress like I do to protect you too, right? You're not here alone. There are lots of you and me's out there.

You're gonna be fine. And if the world or God won't love you, then I will.

[If the world or God won’t love you, I will.

Never- ever- before in his life has anyone shown him a scrap of compassion compared to this. Not even his own men, who would often rather preserve their own skin than risk it to save another. He’s lived his whole life operating on the idea that it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and only the fittest will survive. The alpha males. The men who are the ideal, they’ll be the successful ones. With money, and women, and security…

But Wolfwood isn’t happy with any of that. All of the money he’s ever had he’s stolen and he’s still poor from it since half of what he earns goes straight into his boss’s pockets, he can’t get it up for women anymore now that he’s discovered he likes men, and you simply won’t have security in this world. It’s the wild west, for god’s sake.

Ain grips him, thin hands holding him around his torso, and for a moment Wolfwood falters like he doesn’t know what to do. It’s overwhelming, especially when he’s already been fighting back tears the whole time. Maybe that’s a symptom of the hangover, he doesn’t know.

…but eventually, he relents. He reaches out and actually returns Ain’s embrace, for perhaps the first proper time ever while sober. It’s a light hug at first, tentative, before a surge of something (courage, or mania, no idea) hits him and prompts him to squeeze Ain tighter, enveloping him in a proper bear hug for a moment. He sniffs loudly over Ain’s shoulder, staring at the wall behind him with tears finally falling, rolling down his cheeks and disappearing into his shirt.

After all of that, after Ain’s heartfelt words and expression of affection, the only thing Wolfwood can say very weakly under his breath:]

M’gay.

[Ain cards his fingers gently through Wolfwood's hair, trying so hard to soothe him despite the fact he just yelled at the man... maybe the yelling was the come-to-God moment he needed, maybe it was catharsis for Ain, who knows. Legally what he just said was not a love confession but it may as well have been, and Ain wants to bite his tongue so hard it falls off so that he never has to say something like that again.

Still. Wolfwood deserves an embrace like this, Ain thinks, no matter if he's having an inward moment of "ew gross love that shit's scary".]

I know, dear. That's okay. It's okay to be. No one can tell you how to live except you. Don't let society harp on you constantly... we'll be fine.

[Not Wolfwood finally admitting to being a gay man out loud with his mouth and Ain being like “I know sweetie”, like Wolfwood you’re the ONLY one of them here who could not read the room properly.

God. He used to think he was stronger than this. An entire lifetime spent alone, on the road, struggling to survive…but he guesses part of surviving was always reminding himself “at least I’m not like them”. Like them. The poor. The destitute. The women. The gays.

Now he is. And he knows that he always has been this, he just never realized it until now. It kindof throws those one-night-stands with other women into perspective. Not that you’d be having love filled, passionate trysts with prostitutes usually…but they were just that. Passionless.

Ain…has given him that. He’s felt real passion for the first time. Real pleasure. Real…affection, and love.

The last part is still a work in progress, but it’s there.]

…you…you knew.

[He manages after a long moment, adjusting his grip on Ain so he’s holding him a bit closer, his head resting on his shoulder.]

...yes, baby, I knew. Kind of... maybe not with one hundred percent confidence, but I had an inkling.

[Holds his Wolfwood... no longer his straight man, he supposes. Just his Wolfwood now.]

But I'm also experienced, and I already went through this whole thing you're going through when I was a teenager. I know the signs.

[He clonks their heads together while Wolfwood is using his shoulder as a pillow. Poor dear.]

Ha…hahaa…

[Wolfwood exhales on a weak laugh, but it is not a humorous one. He sounds tired. In disbelief, maybe. And when Ain’s head knocks into his, he just presses his fingertips into his back more firmly, but gentle all the same.]

Guess m’gonna hafta teach Ange to kill people.

[He has a gun, he’s fought people dozens of times before, but what if-]

Aww, I'm surprised she doesn't already know.

[He's swaying back and forth with Wolfwood in his arms, side to side, trying to comfort him that way now. Ain isn't sure if it's working or not, or even worthwhile, but... but he's trying, please let him rock you.]

Get dinner into you. It'll make you feel better! Probably...

[Honestly, it doesn’t matter if it works. It may not for a while, because this is a whole new worldview Wolfwood is having to accept about himself, and this is only the second time he’s broken down in tears over it. It probably wouldn’t be this bad if he weren’t a slave to the patriarchy, but hey.

He sniffs and lets Ain do with him however he will, pretty much limp against him until Ain suggests he should eat something. He barely ate this morning, so he is starving…it’s not a bad idea.

So he’ll pull away a little, tear stained red face visible for Ain and God and everyone to see, reaching back just long enough to use the heel of his hand to wipe his cheek off.]

Y-yeah…yeah. I’ll try.

[…]

Jus’…stay here. Please.

[Don’t go shower, don’t go downstairs, don’t run off to the town for another two hours. He needs someone with him right now.]

I'm not going anywhere.

[But please also eat something or he really will have to go somewhere like, to grab different food that Wolfwood might actually eat, like he's a toddler in need of help with that.

Anyway, Ain moves back and lets Wolfwood go so that they can actually eat, otherwise they're going to get crumbs and the sort on each other. Sorry your food's cold by now but hey, it's still good.]

...I wandered off earlier. I hope you're not mad at me, haha... I needed to clear my head over you. Mm...

[...they still have not burned the bridge of "Wolfwood is actually leaving when they get to the next town, isn't he"... better not say anything.]

...thanks for being receptive earlier. [Yeah, that works.]

[No, Wolfwood will be eating thankfully. He’s not feeling as gross as he was earlier (well, maybe gross in a different way), and he knows that if he doesn’t try to eat he’ll feel worse. He uses his arm to wipe at his eyes a time or two more before he pulls his food into his lap, hoping his appetite will return to him as he starts to eat. It’s cold, but it’s no worse than some food he’s eaten on the road.]

Mmm. I ain’t mad. Was just confused.

[And worried Ain just wouldn’t come back but hey-]

Yeah…guess it’s high time I try to listen a bit better. I don’t blame you for bein’ frustrated with me.

Uh-huh. Time to beat the patriarchal masculinity out of you.

[Playful elbow.]

The good news is an unmarried man isn't weird!

[But an unmarried woman? Yeah, that's a mortal sin.]

Yeah…good thing, since I don’t really think I’m the type you’d wanna settle down with.

[You know. The general “you”.

Mmmm steak and potatoes. Honestly this is pretty damn fancy for what he’d usually be eating on the road, so he appreciates that Ain went out of his way to get it for him.

So, he’ll thank him by leaning over and pressing a kiss to Ain’s temple.]

Thanks for dinner, by the way. You took care of me while I was drunk off my ass and made sure I didn’t die, which is more than I can say most people have done.

Aww, if I didn't like you, I would've just let you rot and taken your stuff and left.

[Let it be known that Ain is very good at that... and he's really just coming straight out with it now, huh?]

Aren't I so nice? [and now back to your regularly scheduled "little shit" vibes.]

[Thank god, honestly. For the first time since they met, he’s relieved to have little shit Ain back. Please don’t leave him again it scares him (he will be leaving again).

Wolfwood snorts as he cuts his steak, taking a few bites before offering a response.]

Jus’ bout the nicest person I’ve ever met. A little angel who doesn’t do anything wrong ever.

[He’s not a thief who steals everything that isn’t nailed down noooooo

Alternate AU where Ain is the one who steals Wolfwood blind and bails and it was all just an elaborate ruse—]

I'm sooooo cute and have done nothing devious ever in my life.

[Braid twirl, wink... and he's back to eating now, look at him, the most well-behaved thief known to mankind.]

Don't you think so? You said I was cute last night, so you have to. No take-backs.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject