[Closed] @eidxiety🐎🌹

[winterbolt]

Angelina is a black horse with white markings on her face in this sorry I can't picture her as being any other color-

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[eidxiety]

I know you're not! I know you're just experimenting or whatever, I know you don't actually like me for me. You like the idea of me, you like the warm body in your bed at night, you like getting blackout drunk so you can forget that you slept with a man. You don't want me and I get that, I don't mind that! But I need you to make up your mind, because if sober you wants nothing to do with me, and drunk you wants everything to do with me, I don't know what to think! It's hard to tell when the one time I had you while you were sober, you were shuddering just at the thought of being in the wagon with me!

I get it. I get it. But don't you dare do this to someone else when you're gone.

[lupusxylem]

It ain’t you, Ain.

[Wolfwood finally, somehow, manages to choke out. It’s strangled in his throat, his teeth gritting with every breath he takes because this is the one thing he hasn’t made peace with yet and, well. He’s maybe fucking about to.]

I know- I know it’s shitty and I’m sorry, but I don’t- I don’t know what I’m fucking doing-

[He brings both hands up, pressing the heels of his palms hard into his eyes, as if to force the tears back in before they can fall.]

I only do that shit because I’m a fuckin’ coward, okay!? I can’t…I can’t deal with what the world will do to me.

[If it turns out he is, in fact, gay. You’d think he’d have thicker skin by now.]

It…it ain’t because I want to forget. It ain’t because I don’t like you. I…wanna remember. I wanna remember it.

But it scares me.

[He pulls his hands away from his face, finally looking at Ain with his eyes bloodshot, half from his bender and half from his head trying to explode in real time.]

M’sorry. I’m hurtin’ you and I don’t want that. But I- I see you wearin women’s clothing and I end up wishin’ you were in somethin’ else because thinkin’ about women turns me off- [He’s rambling now, everything kind of spilling out of him all at once.] -or playin’ at bein’ husband and wife when I- I. I’d rather…

[Well. If they were husbands, they’d get shot. But Ain knows all about that.]

[eidxiety]

[...oh. Ohhhh he's really opened up a whole floodgate now, hasn't he? Ah...

Ain has no earthly idea how to help, so he simply sets his food aside and clings onto Wolfwood's front in a weak embrace.]

I want to be able to wear whatever I want, too, you know. I don't want to be someone I'm not to get by, but that's the world we live in. Being scared to get found out is how it is. And I know... That's really terrifying. It freaks me out all the time. Why do you think I carry a gun? Why do you think my horse is trained to kill people?

[If Wolfwood will allow it, Ain threads their fingers together and holds his hand. It's a very gentle, polite sort of hold.]

Nothin' needs to be that scary. It's not the world's business what you do. You know I dress like I do to protect you too, right? You're not here alone. There are lots of you and me's out there.

You're gonna be fine. And if the world or God won't love you, then I will.

[lupusxylem]

[If the world or God won’t love you, I will.

Never- ever- before in his life has anyone shown him a scrap of compassion compared to this. Not even his own men, who would often rather preserve their own skin than risk it to save another. He’s lived his whole life operating on the idea that it’s a dog-eat-dog world, and only the fittest will survive. The alpha males. The men who are the ideal, they’ll be the successful ones. With money, and women, and security…

But Wolfwood isn’t happy with any of that. All of the money he’s ever had he’s stolen and he’s still poor from it since half of what he earns goes straight into his boss’s pockets, he can’t get it up for women anymore now that he’s discovered he likes men, and you simply won’t have security in this world. It’s the wild west, for god’s sake.

Ain grips him, thin hands holding him around his torso, and for a moment Wolfwood falters like he doesn’t know what to do. It’s overwhelming, especially when he’s already been fighting back tears the whole time. Maybe that’s a symptom of the hangover, he doesn’t know.

…but eventually, he relents. He reaches out and actually returns Ain’s embrace, for perhaps the first proper time ever while sober. It’s a light hug at first, tentative, before a surge of something (courage, or mania, no idea) hits him and prompts him to squeeze Ain tighter, enveloping him in a proper bear hug for a moment. He sniffs loudly over Ain’s shoulder, staring at the wall behind him with tears finally falling, rolling down his cheeks and disappearing into his shirt.

After all of that, after Ain’s heartfelt words and expression of affection, the only thing Wolfwood can say very weakly under his breath:]

M’gay.

[eidxiety]

[Ain cards his fingers gently through Wolfwood's hair, trying so hard to soothe him despite the fact he just yelled at the man... maybe the yelling was the come-to-God moment he needed, maybe it was catharsis for Ain, who knows. Legally what he just said was not a love confession but it may as well have been, and Ain wants to bite his tongue so hard it falls off so that he never has to say something like that again.

Still. Wolfwood deserves an embrace like this, Ain thinks, no matter if he's having an inward moment of "ew gross love that shit's scary".]

I know, dear. That's okay. It's okay to be. No one can tell you how to live except you. Don't let society harp on you constantly... we'll be fine.

[lupusxylem]

[Not Wolfwood finally admitting to being a gay man out loud with his mouth and Ain being like “I know sweetie”, like Wolfwood you’re the ONLY one of them here who could not read the room properly.

God. He used to think he was stronger than this. An entire lifetime spent alone, on the road, struggling to survive…but he guesses part of surviving was always reminding himself “at least I’m not like them”. Like them. The poor. The destitute. The women. The gays.

Now he is. And he knows that he always has been this, he just never realized it until now. It kindof throws those one-night-stands with other women into perspective. Not that you’d be having love filled, passionate trysts with prostitutes usually…but they were just that. Passionless.

Ain…has given him that. He’s felt real passion for the first time. Real pleasure. Real…affection, and love.

The last part is still a work in progress, but it’s there.]

…you…you knew.

[He manages after a long moment, adjusting his grip on Ain so he’s holding him a bit closer, his head resting on his shoulder.]

[eidxiety]

...yes, baby, I knew. Kind of... maybe not with one hundred percent confidence, but I had an inkling.

[Holds his Wolfwood... no longer his straight man, he supposes. Just his Wolfwood now.]

But I'm also experienced, and I already went through this whole thing you're going through when I was a teenager. I know the signs.

[He clonks their heads together while Wolfwood is using his shoulder as a pillow. Poor dear.]

[lupusxylem]

Ha…hahaa…

[Wolfwood exhales on a weak laugh, but it is not a humorous one. He sounds tired. In disbelief, maybe. And when Ain’s head knocks into his, he just presses his fingertips into his back more firmly, but gentle all the same.]

Guess m’gonna hafta teach Ange to kill people.

[He has a gun, he’s fought people dozens of times before, but what if-]

[eidxiety]

Aww, I'm surprised she doesn't already know.

[He's swaying back and forth with Wolfwood in his arms, side to side, trying to comfort him that way now. Ain isn't sure if it's working or not, or even worthwhile, but... but he's trying, please let him rock you.]

Get dinner into you. It'll make you feel better! Probably...

[lupusxylem]

[Honestly, it doesn’t matter if it works. It may not for a while, because this is a whole new worldview Wolfwood is having to accept about himself, and this is only the second time he’s broken down in tears over it. It probably wouldn’t be this bad if he weren’t a slave to the patriarchy, but hey.

He sniffs and lets Ain do with him however he will, pretty much limp against him until Ain suggests he should eat something. He barely ate this morning, so he is starving…it’s not a bad idea.

So he’ll pull away a little, tear stained red face visible for Ain and God and everyone to see, reaching back just long enough to use the heel of his hand to wipe his cheek off.]

Y-yeah…yeah. I’ll try.

[…]

Jus’…stay here. Please.

[Don’t go shower, don’t go downstairs, don’t run off to the town for another two hours. He needs someone with him right now.]

[eidxiety]

I'm not going anywhere.

[But please also eat something or he really will have to go somewhere like, to grab different food that Wolfwood might actually eat, like he's a toddler in need of help with that.

Anyway, Ain moves back and lets Wolfwood go so that they can actually eat, otherwise they're going to get crumbs and the sort on each other. Sorry your food's cold by now but hey, it's still good.]

...I wandered off earlier. I hope you're not mad at me, haha... I needed to clear my head over you. Mm...

[...they still have not burned the bridge of "Wolfwood is actually leaving when they get to the next town, isn't he"... better not say anything.]

...thanks for being receptive earlier. [Yeah, that works.]

[lupusxylem]

[No, Wolfwood will be eating thankfully. He’s not feeling as gross as he was earlier (well, maybe gross in a different way), and he knows that if he doesn’t try to eat he’ll feel worse. He uses his arm to wipe at his eyes a time or two more before he pulls his food into his lap, hoping his appetite will return to him as he starts to eat. It’s cold, but it’s no worse than some food he’s eaten on the road.]

Mmm. I ain’t mad. Was just confused.

[And worried Ain just wouldn’t come back but hey-]

Yeah…guess it’s high time I try to listen a bit better. I don’t blame you for bein’ frustrated with me.

[eidxiety]

Uh-huh. Time to beat the patriarchal masculinity out of you.

[Playful elbow.]

The good news is an unmarried man isn't weird!

[But an unmarried woman? Yeah, that's a mortal sin.]

[lupusxylem]

Yeah…good thing, since I don’t really think I’m the type you’d wanna settle down with.

[You know. The general “you”.

Mmmm steak and potatoes. Honestly this is pretty damn fancy for what he’d usually be eating on the road, so he appreciates that Ain went out of his way to get it for him.

So, he’ll thank him by leaning over and pressing a kiss to Ain’s temple.]

Thanks for dinner, by the way. You took care of me while I was drunk off my ass and made sure I didn’t die, which is more than I can say most people have done.

[eidxiety]

Aww, if I didn't like you, I would've just let you rot and taken your stuff and left.

[Let it be known that Ain is very good at that... and he's really just coming straight out with it now, huh?]

Aren't I so nice? [and now back to your regularly scheduled "little shit" vibes.]

[lupusxylem]

[Thank god, honestly. For the first time since they met, he’s relieved to have little shit Ain back. Please don’t leave him again it scares him (he will be leaving again).

Wolfwood snorts as he cuts his steak, taking a few bites before offering a response.]

Jus’ bout the nicest person I’ve ever met. A little angel who doesn’t do anything wrong ever.

[He’s not a thief who steals everything that isn’t nailed down noooooo

Alternate AU where Ain is the one who steals Wolfwood blind and bails and it was all just an elaborate ruse—]

[eidxiety]

I'm sooooo cute and have done nothing devious ever in my life.

[Braid twirl, wink... and he's back to eating now, look at him, the most well-behaved thief known to mankind.]

Don't you think so? You said I was cute last night, so you have to. No take-backs.

[lupusxylem]

Hah...did I say that?

[Of course he did. He was fucking wasted and had no filter, he was saying everything just with his whole chest.]

I do think so, yeah. You're real cute.

[Ruffles his hair like he's giving him a noogie-]

[eidxiety]

[If he's cute enough maybe Wolfwood will want to stay with him instead of leaving, thinks Ain, whose mood has shifted from angsty to cheerful like. Immediately, honestly, now that Wolfwood is giving him attention. Amazing how that works.]

Haha, good. I'm trying to be cute. And now that you said it while sober, you can't take it back for real this time.

[Ain's hair, meanwhile, just gets fluffier than it was already. So thanks for that—]

[lupusxylem]

Who said anythin' about takin' it back?

[Even sober, he never took back the nice things he said about Ain. He just said them less frequently. Less openly.

Wolfwood will lapse into a brief silence from there as they eat. It's a lot nicer now to be able to when the atmosphere between them isn't quite so tense and uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean things are yet okay. There's still this massive elephant in the room...the knowledge that this is probably the last full day they'll spend together. If they leave tomorrow, or even tonight...they'll part at the next town, which Wolfwood wagers isn't even as far off as this one was from their starting point.

Maybe he just won't think about it right now. He'll cross that bridge when he gets to it, and just finish his dinner for the time being, which gets pretty much demolished once he gets the appetite to actually finish it all.]

Did you wanna do anything in this town tonight? You're the one who checked it out, and all.

[eidxiety]

[Ain, as always, is a fucking vacuum cleaner of a man. His food is done before Wolfwood's and he sort of just lays against the guy for the rest of the time. They're not talking about the separation because it won't happen!! He has seduced Wolfwood, this is his now and obviously nothing bad will happen. What a great day to be Ain.]

I thought you wanted to lay in bed all day?

[He did scope out the town. Most of it, anyway. A good chunk for sure.]

...I heard that there's gonna be square dancing in the town square tonight. They said there would be a bluegrass band playing on the flyers. But if you don't want to dance... We could go out past the town gates and stargaze for a while. We didn't do much of that on the road.

[lupusxylem]

I mean, yeah. I could go back to bed, honestly.

[His head still hurts. His body hurts. He feels like he's 50 and not in his mid 20s.

He's set his empty plate and utensils aside, his hands curled loosely in his lap.]

Tell ya what. We'll just do both. Then we can head on in the mornin'.

[It's their last night. He'll make it count, leave Ain with a positive memory of him...and then hope against hope that he never connects what happens next to the cowboy he met at the saloon one day.]

[eidxiety]

[Ain looks So happy about this, genuinely. Possibly even heartbreakingly happy, since Wolfwood's still going through with The Plan over here. Ain doesn't know, quite obviously, he's merely thrilled to be living in he moment.

So, Wolfwood gets a hug. Hope that makes you feel worse—]

Okay! You have to get dressed, then!

[Bounces away to put makeup on, sorry Wolfwood he knows you don't like this but he can't be super masc right now.]

[lupusxylem]

[Haha it sure does!!!

But...he thinks, maybe, he can come up with a reasonable enough sounding excuse that he can't go with him. He's just going to have to think hard about it while Ain is in the bathroom.

He sighs heavily to himself, the ghost of Ain's arms around him making him feel...bad. Real bad. He's not sure how he ended up getting himself into this situation, but he sure fucking did it, and now he has to lay in the bed he's made. Maybe they can have a good time tonight, if nothing else.

The funny thing is, Wolfwood doesn't mind Ain wearing more feminine, revealing clothes sometimes. It just sucks that he has to look so much like a woman and can't just be himself in those clothes. That's the part that he doesn't like, he thinks. Meanwhile, he's out here his usual slob self, wearing the same blazer he bought with Ain the other day.]

[eidxiety]

[He loves his slob :) It's a terrible day to love.

Ain is still wearing his riding slacks and shirt, it gets too cold in the evenings and especially nighttime to go in anything else, but he's at least got blush and lipstick on and has subtly painted his eyes. A MAN wouldn't do this, makeup is for WOMEN, blah blah blah, so here he is! Pretty and Gender and going to have a great time tonight. He's got Wolfwood's old hat on and everything.]

Are you ready? We have to walk for a while to reach the town square. C'mon.